I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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