respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
