Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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