i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
