You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
