you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
