I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
