I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize