omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Randomize
