my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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