Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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