There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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