True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize