When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
