I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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