Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
