Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
