Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
