The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
