I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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