just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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