Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
