i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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