Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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