ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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