you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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