No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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