new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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