I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
