I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
