You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
