I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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