So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
