so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
In America we eat man semen.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
