Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
