My liver just broke up with me...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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