my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
