Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
