theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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