I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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