I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize