his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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