Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize