She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
