I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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