she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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