she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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