put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
His nipple licking is glorious
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