quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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