Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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