if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
