life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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