Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
