allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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