My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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