i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize