Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
