He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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