I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
