how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
