Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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