Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just sucked dick on a ferry
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize